Contributions by,
Frank Currie, who got them from Khawlah Zaki Munshi
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A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate buildings. The physicist
runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts
out the fire and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he need to put out the fire,
runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire and survives. The mathematician runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly
how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.
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What do you get when you cross a goat and a mountain climber? Nothing........ a mountain climber
is a scalar.
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Why does steak have more energy than hamburger? Because, hamburger is in its ground state.
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Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman
asked, "Do you know how fast you were going back there? Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
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A theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist, and a mathematician are all locked in separate
rooms for a week with only 1 can of soup and are told that if they want to eat they must find a way to open the can. After
1 week the rooms were opened:
The experimental physicist's room had multiple dents in the walls, with a few soup stains, showing
how he had thrown his can against the wall until he figured out the exact angle needed to open the can. He then threw the
can at the wall at that angle, opened the can, and ate the soup.
The theoretical physicist's room was covered in equations and 1 dent in the wall, showing he calculated
the exact angle needed to open the can, threw the can at the wall at that angle, opened the can, and ate the soup.
The mathematician was found in his room seated on the floor with the unopened can repeating, "I define
this can to be open!"
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If it's green and wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
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One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math and wants to become a fireman. So the mathematician
walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman. The fire chief says, "Well, you look like
a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test." The firechief takes the mathematician to
the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spicket, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking
in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?" The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose
to the spicket, turn the water on, and put out the fire." The chief says, "That's great...perfect. Now I have to ask you just
one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?" The mathematician
puzzles over the question for awhile and the finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire." The chief yells, "What? That's
horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?" The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one
I've already solved."
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A biologist, a chemist, and a physicist are taking a walk through the country when they come upon
a cow. For some odd reason, none of them knew what it was. The biologist thinks for a second and then declares, "I know what
that is. That's Bos Bovine." The chemist looks for a second and then says, "It's just a carbon-based life form, approximately
75% water, and the remaining 25% trace elements." The physicist stares blankly for a second and then says, "Well.... I guess
we could approximate it as a sphere."
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Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the
three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going
to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train.
The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly
after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this, and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the
engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they
buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going
to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the
train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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I'm Too Sexy For Physics - Arranged by Kittie Grace
I'm too sexy for physics, too sexy for physics Newton's laws confuse me. I'm too sexy for physics,
too sexy for physics I think I'll skip this section. And I'm too sexy for F=ma, too sexy for F=ma I think I'll have to do
this until May. And I'm too sexy for scalers, too sexy for scalers This way I think I might be a failure. I'm a physics student,
you know what I mean And I use Trig functions to find the vector, To find theector, to find the vector, Yah! I use Trig functions
to find the result in vector. And I'm too sexy for the Kahuna car, too sexy for the Kahuna car So sexy by far. And I'm too
sexy for magnitude, too sexy for magnitude I thinkit's all very rude. `Cause, I'm a physics student, you know what I mean
And I use trig functions to find the result in vector To find the result in vector, to find the result in vector, Yah! I use
trig functions to find the result in vector. And I'm too sexy for this volume, to sexy for this mass, to sexy for this weight.
`Cause, I'm a physics student, you know what I mean And I use trig functions to find the result in vector To find the result
in vector, to find the result in vector, Yah! I use trig functions to find the result in vector. `Cause I'm too sexy for gravity,
too sexy for gravity, Poor 9,8 velocity (I know it's acceleration but it didn't rhyme.) And I'm too sexy for the Newton, too
sexy for the Newton I just might start a shoot'n. And I'm too sexy for this song.
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Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:
Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them
in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept Of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept Of Religion: Grade is determined by God.
Dept Of Philosophy: What is a grade?
Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept Of Mathematics: Grades are variable.
Dept Of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated
a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept Of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the
corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
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People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating
to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand
their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing
them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming. Engineering is so trendy
these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you
think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture
frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the
margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to
accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*Important social contacts
*A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
*Get it over with as soon as possible.
*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that
need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like
to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand
this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into
a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary.
To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and
decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are
swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the
engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more
glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation
of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous
methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately,
engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed,
honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal
people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long
before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible
erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical
professions:
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty
minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good
idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes
bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected
to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because
every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the
greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject
to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely.
Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in
electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he
or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that
when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk
is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that
are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt project, then the engineer will fall back to
a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable.
No engineer can walk away from and unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the
engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of
nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And
when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind
of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has
more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned
to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Ched to figure
it out. He knows how to solve difficult technicalproblems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand
between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
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Dear Abby -
I am writing to your advice-column because of a serious problem I am facing.
You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft's
Customer Service Division.
My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for
30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.
The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle
(master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world.
She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.
To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake-Aztec-souvenir factory staffed
by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.
But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance
to meet them.
In your opinion, Abby:
Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my cousin who works for Microsoft Customer Service?
Benjie Wolicki
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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. ...Hi George. Say George, what's
with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club
house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
(silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything
he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
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A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors
during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you
I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific,
racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful
women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought.
Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
Sheldon Rosen and Anne Hamon
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MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect
to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright
natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system
that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
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Top ten ways the Bible would have been different if written by college students.
10). Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
9). Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a
large font, they look like ten.
8). Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
7). Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
6). Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5). The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals.
4). Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
3). Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions
and look like a Freshman.
2). Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1). Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it
off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.
Chani Silverberg and Seth Pertain
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Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty
white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with
reality? Take the Net Addict's Reality Test.
Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:
1. What do you think are good names for children?
a) Scott and Jenny.
b) Bill Gates IV.
c) Mozilla and Dotcom.
2. What's a telephone?
a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
c) Something you plug into a modem.
3. Which punctuation is most correct?
a) I had a wonderful day!
b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!
c) I had a wonderful day :-)
4. You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:
a) Visit the washroom.
b) Raid the fridge.
c) Check your E-mail.
5. What are RAM and ROM?
a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.
b) Hulking stars of the WWF.
c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.
6. To avoid a virus you should:
a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".
c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.
7. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:
a) Ask friends where to purchase it.
b) Check out the Yellow Pages.
c) Go to Yahoo!
8. When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:
a) Call the retailer.
b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.
c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.
9. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:
a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.
b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.
10. How do you introduce yourself at a party?
a) Hi, I'm Jane!
b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.
c) Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.
11. When you're interested in someone at a party you say:
a) Tell me more about yourself.
b) What's your star sign?
c) What's your Profile?
12. If you really like the person, you say:
a) Could you tell me your phone number?
b) What's your E-mail address?
c) Let's chat Private.
13. When I say spam, you think:
a) Ham in a can.
b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
c) I mailbomb all spammers!
14. When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:
a) I don't need another mug coaster.
b) Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups.
c) Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.
15. When you want to research a reference you:
a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
16. When you write a letter you:
a) Put pencil to paper.
b) Open Eudora.
c) Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail?
17. Different types of text formatting include:
a) Writing and printing.
b) Underline and double-strike.
c) Bold and italic.
18. You correct errors using:
a) An eraser.
b) White-out.
c) Backspace or delete.
19. You sign your name:
a) Best regards, John Smith.
b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.
c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com.
20. To keep a copy of your letter you:
a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
b) Take it to the photocopier.
c) Check your Sent Mail folder.
SCORING: Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each
"b" and 10 for each "c".
If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life.
If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality.
If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.
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There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft
engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could
be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where
a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified
and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't
we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
Chani Savet
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MORE COMPUTER VIRUSES... Militia Virus: wipes out your operating system claiming it has no right
tocontrol your PC.
Pro-Choice Virus: Although it presents the standard "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt, it pressures you
to choose "Abort", telling you the process being terminated is just "a blob of bits" which has no value.
Lyle And Eric Menendez Virus: wipes out your motherboard, claiming it was done in self-defense.
Bill Clinton Virus: causes your PC to behave unpredictably, working as expected one moment, then
suddenly doing the exact opposite the next moment.
Politically Correct Virus: rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".
National Organization of Women (NOW) Virus: forces your PC to recognize its female connections as
male connections.
Republican Virus: sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.
Democrat Virus: doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try,
it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".
National Education Assoc. (NEA) Virus: although cleverly disguised as educational software intended
to improve your system, in reality it "dumbs down" your 486DX into an 8086.
Jocelyn Elders Virus: teaches your computer to turn itself on.
LAPD Virus: attempts to stop your CPU. If your CPU resists, it is pummeled into hamburger.
Jack Kevorkian Virus: assists your CPU in destroying itself.
Ross Perot Virus: This erratic virus doesn't do much of anything, except surfacing occasionally to
threaten to disrupt your system.
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Subject: DIARY OF A DIGITAL HOMEOWNER
The (Future) Diary of a Digital Homeowner:
Nov 28: Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach house at last. Finally, we live in the
smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to
my personal computer, which is connected to the power lines, all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs off
a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm like, totally wired.
Nov 30: Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat and switched on the
lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy when I arrived.
Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.
Dec 1: Had to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth problems. The TV drops to about 2
frames/second when I'm talking on the phone. They insist it's a problem with the cable company's compression algorithms. How
do they expect me to order things from the Home Shopping Channel?
Dec 8: Got my first SmartHouse invoice today and was unpleasantly surprised. I suspect the cleaning
woman of reading Usenet from the washing machine interface when I'm not here. She must be downloading one hell of a lot of
GIFs from the binary groups, because packet charges were through the roof on the invoice.
Dec 3: Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the refrigerator door, the light
bulb blew. Immediately, everything else electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything. Carefully unplugged
and replugged all the appliances. Nothing.
Call the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer me to the utility. The utility
insists that the problem is in the software. So the software company runs some remote tele-diagnostics via my house processor.
Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More phone calls;
more remote diag's.
Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network had never seen a refrigerator
bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire
kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence was
confused and it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting
the kitchen took over an hour.
Dec 7: The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We discover that whenever
we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the window.
When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the police computer concludes that someone
is trying to break in. Go figure.
Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote won't let
me change the channels on my TV. That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The software
and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet.
Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the microwave is secretly tuning into the cable system to watch
Bay Watch. The unit is completely inoperable during that same hour. I guess I can live with that. At least the blender is
not tuning in to old I Love Lucy episodes.
Dec 9: I just bought the new Microsoft Home. Took 93 gigabytes of storage, but it will be worth it,
I think. The house should be much easier to use and should really do everything. I had to sign a second mortgage over to Microsoft,
but I don't mind: I don't really own my house now--it's really the bank. Let them deal with Microsoft.
Dec 10: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House. I keep getting an hour glass symbol showing
up when I want to run the dishwasher.
Dec 12: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My personal computer caught it while browsing
on the public access network. I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator
has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycling up and down and the TV is stuck on
the home shopping channel. Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken
glass is everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing.
I look at a message slowly throbbing on my personal computer screen: WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW
THE FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so humble, there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...).
Dec 18: They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the place is a shambles. Pipes have
burst and we're not completely sure we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as
the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call themselves) are confident the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad" one
he tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't get PolterGeist. That one is really evil."
Dec 19: Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and mud slides, yes," says the claims
adjuster. "Viruses, no." My agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are null
and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified on-line service.
Everybody's very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that might be created.
We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited!
Dec 21: I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday offer, we get the free opportunity
to become a beta site for the company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers personally.
"Sure," I tell him.
Yakov Horenstein
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A Louisiana law upholds your right to grow as tall as you like.
Singing out of tune in North Carolina is against the law.
The laws of Portland, Me., do not allow one to tickle a girl under the chin with a feather duster.
A New York judge ruled that if two people behind you in a movie house are discussing the probable
outcome of a film, you can give them a Bronx cheer.
It is illegal to lasso a fish in Knoxville, Tenn.
It is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder in Massachusetts.
In Nebraska, sneezing inpublic is prohibited by law.
The law prohibits unrestrained giggling in Helena, Mont.
A kiss can last no longer than one second in Halethorpe, Md.
In Baltimore, Md., it is against the law to mistreat an oyster.
In Denver, Colo., the law insists that dogcatchers notify dogs of impounding by posting a notice
on a tree in the park.
The law forbids women in Oxford, Ohio, to undress in front of a photograph of a man.
In Cold Spring, Pa., liquor can be sold to a married man only if he has his wife's permission.
In Connecticut, the law states that if you are a beaver, you have the right to build a dam.
In Gary, Ind.m it is illegal to attend a theater within four hours of eating garlic.
In Owensboro, Ky., if a woman wants to buy a new hat, her husband must try it on first.
The legal punishment in Minneapolis, Minn., for double parking is being put on a chain gang and fed
only on a diet of bread and water.
In Roderfield, W. Va., only babies are allowed to ride in baby carriages.
You are not permitted to swim on dry land in Santa Ana, Calif.
An old ordinance of New London, Conn., forbids actresses from appearing in public.
In Saco, Mo., hats which may frighten people are outlawed.
A Virginia law makes it illegal to have a bathtub in one's house.
It is illegal to mispronounce the name of the city of Joliet, Ill.
A 17th-century Massachusetts law forbade the selling of cakes or buns except on special occasions-contrived
to keep women from gossiping over tea and cake. The crafty females circumvented the law and gave rise to New England's famous
pies and doughnuts.
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THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before
the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with
a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by
accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
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A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously
contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all
of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a bible and put
them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit
on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the bible will stay
open at a particular page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a bible in his car and drives down to the
beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind rifles the pages of the bible and then stops
at a particular page. He looks down at the bible and sees what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000
Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man
hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order
to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the
bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 11."
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Source: Colin Moore
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone...on his hand
and talking into his hand. The bar tender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need
any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was
tired of carrying the cellular." The bar tender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and `hands' his hand to the bar
tender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender ... "I would
never believe it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it!
By the way, where is the men's room?" The bar tender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for
the longest time. Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bar tender goes into the men's room. There is the guy...
he is spread-eagle on the wall...his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god", said
the bar tender, "Did they rob you? How much did they get?" The guy turns and says: "No, no,... I'm just waiting for a fax!"
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Source: John DeJong
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Source: Rukshan Jayawardene
THE REAL STORY OF THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
Everybody knows the story of the three little pigs. Or at least they think they do. But I'll let
you in on a little secret. Nobody knows the real story, because nobody has ever heard MY side of the story. I'm the wolf.
Alexander T. Wolf. You can call me Al. I dont know where this whole Big Bad Wolf thing got started, but it's all wrong. Maybe
it's because of our diet. Hey, it's not my fault wolves eat cute little animals like bunnies and sheep and pigs. That's just
the way we are. If cheeseburgers were cute folks would probably think you were big and bad too! But like i was saying, the
whole Big Bad Wolf thing is all wrong. The real story is about a sneeze and a cup of sugar. Way back in once upon a time time,
I was making a birthday cake for my dear old granny. I had a terrible sneezing cold. I ran out of sugar. So I walked down
the street to ask my neighbor for a cup of sugar. Now this neighbor was a pig. Anbd he wasn't too bright either. He had built
his house out of straw. Can you believe it? I mean who in his right mind would build a house out of straw? So of course the
minute I knocked on the door, it fell right in. I didn't want to just walk into someone else's house. So, I called, "Little
Pig, Little Pig, are you in?" No answer. I was just about to go home without the sugar for my dear old granny's birthday cake.
That's when my nose started to itch.
I felt a sneeze coming on.
Well I huffed.
And i snuffed.
And I sneezed a great sneeze.
And you know what? That whole darn straw house fell down. And right in the middle of the pile of
straw was the First Little Pig---dead as a doornail.
He had been home the whole time.
It seemed like a shame to leave a perfectly good ham dinner lying there in the straw. So I ate it
up. Think of it as a big cheeseburger just lying there.
I was feeling a little better. But I still didn't have my cup of sugar. So i went to the next neighbor's
house.
This neighbor was the First Little Pig's brother.
He wa a little smarted, but not much.
He had built his house of sticks.
I rang the bell on the stick house.
Nobody answered.
I called, "Mr. Pig, Mr. Pig, are you in?"
He yelled back, Go away wolf. You can't come in. I'm shaving the hairs on my chinny chin chin."
I had just grabbed the doorknob when i felt another sneeze coming on. I huffed. And I snuffed. And
I tried to cover my mouth, but I sneezed a great sneeze.
And you're not going to believe it, but this guy's house fell down just like his brother's.
When the dust cleared, there was the second Little Pig----dead as a doornail. Wolf's honor.
Now you know food will spoil if you just leave it out in the open. So I did the only thing there
was to do. I had dinner again. Think of it as a second helping. I was getting awfully full. But my cold was feeling a little
better. And I still didn't have that cup of sugar for my dear old granny's birthday cake. So I went to the next house. This
guy was the First and Second Little Pig's brother. He must have been the brains of the family. He had built his house of bricks.
I knocked on the brick house. No answer. I called, "Mr.Pig, Mr. Pig, are you in?"
And do you know what that rude little porker answered?
"Get out of here, Wolf. Don't bother me again."
Talk about impolite!
He probably had a whole sackful of sugar.
And he wouldn't even give me some for my dear sweet old granny's birthday cake.
What a pig!
I was just about to go home and maybe make a nice birthday card instead of a cake, when I felt my
cold coming on.
I huffed.
And I snuffed.
And I sneezed once again.
Then the Third Little Pig yelled, "And your granny can sit on a pin!"
Now, I'm usually a pretty calm fellow. But when somebody talks about my granny like that, I go a
little crazy.
When the cops drove up, of course I was trying to break down this pig's door. And the whole time
I was huffing and puffing and sneezing and making a real scene.
And the rest as they say is history.
The newspapers found out about the two pigs I had for dinner. They figured a sick guy going to borrow
a cup of sugar didn't sound very exciting. So they jazzed up the whole story with all that "huff and puff and blow your house
down." And they made me the Big Bad Wolf.
That's it
The real story. I was framed.
But maybe you could loan me a cup of sugar.
p.s. the story is written by Jon Scieszka and illustrated by Lane Smith.
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Source: Rukshan Jayawardene
The First Realizations That You're Not In College Anymore
You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
College sweatshirts are `casual' instead of dress-up.
Your parents charge rent.
Your parents walk in on you having sex, not your roommate.
The 4 food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.
It's `getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.
Three Words: School Loan Payments.
You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche.
You start eyeing the Light Beer section appreciatively.
Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end.
Your friends are discussing,
THEN: GPA's, phone rates and tonsil hockey;
NOW: IRA's, Interest rates and their kid's orthodontia.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
Sneakers are now `weekend shoes'.
The letter from mom and dad now have portraits of their `other' grandchildren instead of cash.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.
Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.
The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
That weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for
the League Championship.
You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News.
Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.
You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you owned while taking classes.
You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
You empathize with the characters from `Friends'.
METABOLISM SLOWDOWN.
Football season tickets go from $75 for the season with dozens of friends to $750 for the season
with the three other guys who get away from the family.
Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
When drinking, you say at least once per night, `I just can't put it down the same as I used to'.
You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega.
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Source: Ruckshan Jayawardene
Two friends went out golfing and their tee shots were horrible. One guy hit it way left, the other
way right. They decided the shots were so bad that they would just meet up at the hole.
So the first guy looks and looks for his ball and finally finds it sitting down deep in a field of
beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulls out his 7 iron and starts whacking away. Buttercups are flying everywhere but the
ball won't come out.
Finally Mother Nature gets mad. She comes up from the ground and says to the man, "I've created this
beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you.
Since these are Buttercups your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."
The man starts to laugh and returns to whacking at the ball still buried in the field of Buttercups.
Mother Nature, still annoyed, says to the man, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?" The man looks
up to Mother Nature and says, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."
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Source: Ruckshan Jayawardene
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He
calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer
can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws
the other end of the rope to the horse and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell
into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "Wait, I think
I can stand over the hole!" so he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my `thingy' and pull yourself up."
And the chicken did and pulled himslef to safety!!
The moral of the story:-) If you are hung like a hourse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!!
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Source Ruckshan Jayawardene
Here's to all you `process thinkers'.....
Enjoy. The answers are at the end of this message, but don't cheat.
1) The Elder Twin
One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his
birthday.
How come?
2) Manhole Covers
Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking
techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.
3) The Deadly Party
A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party
who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning.
Why did the man not die?
4) Heaven
A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and
all looked as they died at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognized. He saw a couple and he
knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve.
How did he know?
5) Trouble with Sons
A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were
not twins. How could this be so?
6) The Man in the Bar
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points
it at the man. The man says `Thank you' and walks out.
This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling
and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when
they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.
SOLUTIONS:
1) At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was traveling by boat. The older twin,
Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed the International Date line (or anytime zone line) and Kerry,
the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. In a leap year the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her
older brother.
2) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole
cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
3) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch the ice was fully
frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
4) He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. Because they were not born of women,
they had never had umbilical cords and therefore they never had navels. This one seems perfectly logical but it can sometimes
spark fierce theological arguments!
5) They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets etc.) This simple little puzzle stumps many
people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex
solutions when there is a much simpler one available?
6) The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give
him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups - so the man no longer needed the water. The is a simple puzzle to state but
a difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational and incongruous situation having a simple and
complete explanation. Amazingly this classic puzzle seems to work in different cultures and languages.
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Source: anonymous
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah; you're
an engineer - you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of discomfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there
in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got ait conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and there's no telling what the engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there;
send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
